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Daily Groaners

50 posts in this topic

12/3

If a group of people stand around in a circle long enough, eventually they will begin to dance.

-- George Carlin

12/4

Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer.

-- Henry Lawson

12/5

Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy

As the light changed from green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was life nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? It sure seemed that way.

12/6

Deep Thoughts, by Jack Davis

There have been stories lately about evolution and where we came from. I can accept that somewhere back in my family tree I had ancestors who spent all their lives in trees. I can accept that, not too far back, all my relatives were African.

What I have a hard time with is the thought that some of my kin-folks may have been French – or, just as bad, that one of those relatives may have been an attorney.

12/7

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer = 1 Lite Year

12/10

Henny Lives!

I think of incest as sibling revelry, or a sport the whole family can enjoy.

12/11

Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

12/12

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

12/13

Although men are complete jerks, you know what makes me sad about feminism? Somewhere along the line we lost, "Hey, Toots!"

-- George Carlin

12/14

I get my exercise being a pallbearer for those of my friends who believe in regular running and calisthenics.

-- Winston Churchill

12/17

Henny Lives!

There's nothing wrong with my wife that a miracle won't cure.

12/18

It takes two scales to find out how much a scale weighs.

-- George Carlin

12/19

Quaint Country Song Titles

-- I Ain't Never Gone to Bed With an Ugly Woman, But I Woke Up With a Few

-- I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'

-- Wouldn't Take Her To a Dogfight, 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

-- I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here

-- It's Hard to Kiss The Lips at Night That Chewed My A*s All Day

12/20

Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook unless it involves an open flame outdoors.

12/21

Manly Paradox

Men love chainsaws. Never, ever buy a man you love a chainsaw.

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1/2/08

Maxine was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven, she said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up sex and tequila."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

She looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one."

1/3

A Man's Perfect Breakfast

You're having cereal and your son is on the Wheaties box, your mistress is on the cover of Playboy, and your wife is on the back of the milk carton.

1/4

Four Religious Truths

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4. Catholics do not recognize each other at Casino Niagara, the Canadian Ballet or the liquor store.

1/7

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: About 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: About 45 minutes.

1/8

Democracy is two wolves and a lamb deciding what's for dinner. Liberty is a well armed lamb contesting the decision.

-- Benjamin Franklin

1/9

The best form of birth control for a man over 50: Nudity.

1/10

Jack, 92, and Sue, 89, living in Florida, are excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jack suggests they go in, whereupon he addresses the pharmacist.

Jack: We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?

Pharmacist: Of course we do.

Jack: How about medicine for circulation?

Pharmacist: All kinds.

Jack: Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?

Pharmacist: Definitely.

Jack: How about Viagra?

Pharmacist: Of course.

Jack: Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?

Pharmacist: Yes, a large variety. The works.

Jack: What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?

Pharmacist: Absolutely.

Jack: You sell wheelchairs and walkers?

Pharmacist: All speeds and sizes.

Jack: OK, we'd like to use this store as our bridal registry.

1/11

Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

1/14

A cannibal walks into a jungle restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. The menu:

* Barbequed Tourist: $5

* Broiled Missionary: $10

* Fried Explorer: $15

* Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100

The cannibal calls the waiter over. "Why such a price difference for the politicians?"'

The waiter shrugs. "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of sh*t, it takes all morning."

1/15

If (Democrats) could just figure out a way to abort babies using solar power, that's all we'd ever hear about.

-- Ann Coulter

1/16

Does the mainstream media have a liberal bias? On a couple of things, maybe. Compared to the American public at large, probably a higher percentage of journalists, because of their enhanced power of discernment, realize they know a gay person or two, and are, therefore, less frightened of them.

-- Al Franken

1/17

Henny Lives!

What do you send to a sick florist?

1/18

Irish Toast

Here's to cheating, stealing, fighting and drinking. If you cheat, cheat death. If you steal, steal a woman's heart. If you fight, fight for a brother. If you drink, drink with me.

1/21

An American tourist in Mexico stopped at a restaurant. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious platter served at the next table. The aroma was wonderful, so he asked the waiter what it was.

"Ah, senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

"What the heck," the American said. "I'm on vacation down here. Bring me an order!"

"I am sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you place your order for tomorrow, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next afternoon the American arrived for his feast. After a few delectable bites, he called the waiter over. "These are delicious, but they are much smaller than the ones you served yesterday."

"Si, senor," the waiter shrugged. "Sometimes the bull wins."

1/22

The future will soon be a thing of the past.

-- George Carlin

1/23

Creative Duffer's Instruction Manual

Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt

Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough, When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee

Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker

Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance off the Shank

Chapter 5 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earning

Chapter 6 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m.

Chapter 7 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water

Chapter 8 - Using Profanity to Control Ball Flight

Chapter 9 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting five off the Tee

Chapter 10 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

Chapter 11 - God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt

Chapter 12 - Throwing Your Clubs: An Effective Stress-Reduction Technique

Epilogue - Why Male Golfers Pay $5 for a Beer from the Cart Girl and Give Her a $3 Tip, but Will Balk at $3.50 at the 19th Hole and Stiff the Bartender

1/24

It’s becoming increasingly difficult to distinguish the latest pronouncements of the Episcopal Church from the latest Madonna video.

-- Ann Coulter

1/25

A fanatic is one who won’t change his mind and won’t change the subject.

-- Winston Churchill

1/28

Irish Toast

May the roof above us never fall in, and may the friends below it never fall out.

1/29

Editor’s Notes

-- Never use a long word when a diminutive one will suffice.

-- Remember to never split an infinitive.

-- One should never generalize.

-- Don't be redundant: don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

1/30

If Mother Nature were male, power tools would grow on trees.

1/31

How Conservatives Can Start Each Day with a Positive Outlook:

1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton."

3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.

4. Empty the Recycle Bin.

5. Your PC will ask, "Do you really want to get rid of "Hillary Rodham Clinton?"

6. Firmly click "Yes."

7. Feel better.

(Tomorrow – Instructions on how to do Nancy Pelosi.)

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2/1

Electile Dysfunction: the inability to become aroused by any presidential candidate.

2/4

Hillary wants to be the first woman president, which would also make her the first woman in a Clinton administration to sit behind the desk in the Oval Office instead of under it.

-- Ann Coulter

2/5

In heaven there is no beer.

That's why we drink it here.

2/6

You will never get to the end of the journey if you stop to toss a stone at every dog that barks.

-- Winston Churchill

2/7

Most people don't know what they're doing, and a lot of them are very good at it.

-- George Carlin

2/8

Bush was lying throughout the 2000 campaign. And unlike Gore's lies about Love Canal, Love Story, and the Internet, Bush's lies weren't even true. Remember how Gore took credit for the Internet, which he funded? Bush took credit for a Texas Patients' Bill of Rights, which he vetoed.

-- Al Franken

2/11

Anti-Bush Bumper Stickers

Bush: End of an Error

Bush: Like a Rock, Only Dumber.

If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President

Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?

Impeachment: It's Not Just for Sex Anymore

2/12

Always proofread carefully to see if you words out.

2/13

Avoid cliches like the plague.

2/14

Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand .

2/15

America: One Nation, Under Surveillance

2/18

They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It.

2/19

The gravest danger facing most black Americans today is the risk of being patronized to death.

-- Ann Coulter

2/20

When you step on the brakes, your life is in your foot's hands.

-- George Carlin

2/21

The voice-activated stereo in my new truck is amazing. I say Nelson, and it says, Ricky or Willie? I say Willie, and suddenly I'm hearing "On the Road Again." Then I say Ray Charles, and I'm listening to "Georgia On My Mind."

This morning a couple ran a red light and nearly hit me, but I swerved just in time. I yelled "As-holes!" and immediately heard the French National Anthem sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax, and Ted Kennedy on scotch.

God, I love this truck.

2/22

Henny Lives!

College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.

2/23

The voice-activated stereo in my new truck is amazing. I say Nelson, and it says, Ricky or Willie? I say Willie, and suddenly I'm hearing "On the Road Again." Then I say Ray Charles, and I'm listening to "Georgia On My Mind."

This morning a couple ran a red light and nearly hit me, but I swerved just in time. I yelled "As-holes!" and immediately heard the French national anthem sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax, and Ted Kennedy on scotch.

God, I love this truck.

2/25

A Georgia redneck is in Maine on a construction job. Driving a back road, he sees a restaurant sign: Lobster Tail and Beer.

"Lord Almighty," he says to himself. "My three favorite things!"

2/26

Ed forgot his wedding anniversary, and his wife was angry. "Tomorrow morning,” she said, “I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds."

The next morning his wife woke up, looked out the window, and saw a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She rushed down, opened it, and saw a brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing ever since.

2/27

Neo Con Bumper Stickers

George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight

We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them

The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century

2/28

At Least Nixon Resigned.

2/29

Editor’s Notes:

One-word sentences? Eliminate.

The passive voice is to be avoided.

Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

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3/3

"Lollipop" is the longest word typed with your right hand.

3/4

Henny Lives!

College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.

3/5

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time, 1/100th of a second.

3/6

How Do They Do That While Walking?

If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

3/7

Spots are dots up close. Dots are spots far away.

-- George Carlin

3/10

Henny Lives!

A bachelor is a rolling stone who gathers no boss.

3/11

Irish Doggerel

Some Guinness was spilt on the barroom floor

As the pub was shut for the night

When out of his hole crept a wee brown mouse

He stood in the pale moonlight

He lapped up the frothy foam from the floor

Then back on his haunches he sat

And all night long you could hear the mouse roar

"Bring on that fookin' cat!"

3/12

Congress recently approved tax rebate checks to spur the economy.

If we spend all that money at Wal-Mart, much of it will go to China. If we

spend it on gasoline, much will go to the Arabs.

The only way to keep all that money here is to buy beer, spend it on prostitutes, or play golf, because those are the only American businesses still based in the U.S. Your cooperation will be appreciated.

3/13

(Are all the American people who don't support Bush dumb?)

No. I think, as I indicated in my last book, they're traitors.

-- Ann Coulter

3/14

Journalists are pro free trade precisely because they know that their jobs are not at risk for exportation. That's the same reason why I've always been pro NAFTA, pro GATT, and pro fast track authority. I know that a 14-year-old Bangladeshi might be able to sew my sneakers (and he did a great job), but there's no way he could write this book.

-- Al Franken ("Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them")

3/17

Happy St. Paddy's Day!

The greatest love – the love above all loves

Even greater than that of a mother

Is the tender, passionate undying love

Of one drunken slob for another

3/18

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

3/19

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: They both should be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

3/20

During his 1965 race for New York mayor, William F. Buckley was asked what would be the first thing he would do if he were elected.

His answer: "Demand a recount."

3/21

Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are."

-- Bill Gates

3/24

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

-- George Carlin

3/25

If you’re lucky enough to be Irish, you’re lucky enough.

3/26

Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy

It’s too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

3/27

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.

-- Bill Gates

3/28

You Might Be From Wisconsin If…

-- You use ketchup on a grilled NY strip steak.

-- You think a cultural night out is three games at the bowling alley wearing a collared shirt.

-- You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only eight buttons.

-- You buy cat litter every winter, but you don’t own a cat.

-- Your snow blower gets stuck on the roof.

3/31

As I got older I thought it was nice that I seemed to be developing more patience. Then I realized I just don’t give a shit.

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4/1

Proof That the Dog is Man's Best Friend

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, which is really happy to see you?

4/7

A gun-toting man robs a bank and turns to the first customer in line.

"Did you see me rob this bank?"

The cowering customer says, "Yes...I did."

"Wrong answer," the robber says, shooting the customer dead. He turns to the next customer and demands, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

"No," the customer says, "but my wife did."

4/8

How Smart Is Your Right Foot?

While sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles. While doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction every time.

4/9

Depression is merely anger without the enthusiasm.

4/10

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

4/11

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

4/14

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

4/15

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

4/16

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

4/17

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but duck when you throw a revolver at him?

4/18

Whose idea was it to put an 's' in the word 'Lisp?'

4/21

You spend the first two years of their life teaching kids to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

4/22

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

4/23

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said

4/24

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own

4/25

We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

4/28

Thirty-five percent of American women think their a*s is too big. Ten percent think it is too small. The remaining 55 percent say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

4/29

You Might Be a Drinking Man If...

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

4/30

You Might Be a Drinking Man If…

Your can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

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5/1

You Might Be a Redneck If…

You burn your yard rather than mow it.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

5/2

Local Delicacies

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter what it was.

"Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The American, momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation. Bring me an order!"

"I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, he called the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones you served yesterday."

The waiter shrugged. "Si, senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

5/5

Three mischievous grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. A notoriously grouchy grandpa walked by, and one of the gals got his attention. "We can tell exactly how old you are," she said.

"You biddies," he snarled. "How do you propose to do that?"

"Just show us your package, and we'll tell your exact age."

"And if you're wrong?"

"All three of us will streak the cafeteria at lunchtime."

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to best them, the man dropped his trousers. They asked him to hop up and down a couple of times.

"You are 87 years old!" they said in unison.

Standing with his dignity around his ankles, the man said, "How in the world did you guess?"

"We were at your birthday party yesterday."

5/6

Moments of Genius

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, and put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

5/7

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

5/8

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

5/9

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

5/12

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

5/13

What happens if you get scared half to death -- twice?

5/14

Just remember: If the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

5/15

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

5/16

Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.

5/19

Two elderly gentlemen were sitting on a bench under a tree when one said, "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

"I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

5/20

Texas Conversation Translated

Jeet

no, Jew

no, sgweet

Translation --

Did you eat?

No, did you?

No, let's go eat.

5/21

You Might Be a Talilban If…

-- You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

-- You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

-- You've ever said, "I love what you've done with your cave."

5/22

Couple in their nineties. Both are both having trouble remembering things. During a checkup, they're told that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later at home, the old man gets up from his chair.

"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"A bowl of ice cream would be nice. Shouldn't you write it down so you remember it?"

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it, for crying out loud."

He toddles into the kitchen. About 20 minutes later, he returns and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate, irritated.

"Where's my toast?"

5/23

Can You Solve This Puzzle?

You are riding on a beautiful white horse. On your left side is a drop-off. On your right are several ostriches being chased by a lion.

In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way, and you can't seem to overtake them. Behind you is a stampede of horses.

Q: What must you do to get out of this situation?

A: Get your drunken butt off the carousel.

5/27

Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?" Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!" Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

5/28

It's Hell Getting Old

A man was telling his neighbor about his hearing aid. "I just bought it. It cost $4000, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve-thirty."

5/29

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

5/30

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream shop and pulled himself slowly, painfully, onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he said. "Damned arthritis."

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6/2

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and after eating, the wives went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went to a new restaurant and it was really great."

"Oh, yeah? What was the name?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What's the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns."

"A rose?"

"Yeah, that's the one." The man turned to the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

6/3

When a man barbecues, the following chain of events kicks into motion:

1. The woman buys the food, prepares the meat, salad, vegetable and dessert. She assembles the cooking utensils and sauces, then takes them to the man who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.

2. The man places the meat on the grill. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery, then comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

3. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

4. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

5. Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her night off. Upon seeing her annoyed reaction, he concludes there's just no pleasing some women.

6/4

If the police arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?

-- George Carlin

6/5

Round Top Knee-Slapper

Q: Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

A: They taste funny.

6/6

Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy

When you go to a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is whether they ever press charges.

6/9

Betty and Barbie, blonde sisters, promised their seafaring uncle they would bury him at sea when the time came. Eventually, the time came.

They shoved off from Fort Lauderdale in a rowboat with their uncle stitched up in a burial bag. After some time Barbie slipped over the side to see if they were far enough out. "Nope," she said, "the water is only up to my chest."

After another hour of rowing, Barbie slipped over the side again and disappeared for a disconcerting interval. At last she broke the surface, gasping.

"Deep enough?" Betty asked.

"Yes, finally! Hand me the shovel."

6/10

Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."

Caddy: "You sure you can keep your head down that long?"

6/11

A study conducted by Tulane's Department of Psychiatry revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

6/12

New Treatment for Sunburn

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a severe sunburn, particularly on his upper thighs. He was admitted to the hospital with second-degree burns. The doctor prescribed an intravenous drip with saline, electrolytes and a sedative. He also prescribed a Viagra.

The floor nurse asked what Viagra would do for the burns.

"Nothing," the doctor said, "but it'll keep the sheet off his legs."

6/13

An 18-year-old girl tells her parents she is pregnant. Enraged, they ask who is responsible. The girl makes a phone call, and in five minutes a Ferrari pulls up in front of the house.

A mature, distinguished man steps out and bows to the family. "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I cannot marry her because of my family situation, but I will care for your daughter and her child the rest of her life. Your daughter will never want for anything. To the child, I will bequeath a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2 million bank account.

"In the event there is a miscarriage…" Overcome with emotion, the man pauses to compose himself.

The father places a hand on his shoulder and says, "That's alright. You could try again."

6/16

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and it immediately springs into motion, galloping along at a steady and rhythmic pace. But the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but she cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway The horse gallops along, impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap a way from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again.

She is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

6/17

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."

Caddy: "I don't think so, sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

6/18

The famous and profound philosopher, Willie Nelson, recently used the occasion of his 75th birthday to share his latest insight:

"I have outlived my d*ck."

6/19

Why a Gun is Preferable to a Woman

-- You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

-- If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

-- Guns function normally every day of the month.

-- A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

-- A gun can be fitted with a silencer.

6/20

Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on the sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

6/23

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

-- George Carlin

6/24

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

6/25

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

6/26

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

6/27

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

6/30

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

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7/1

Women like silent men because they think they are listening.

7/2

Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesday afternoons?

7/3

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

7/4

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

7/7

If you trial to fail and succeed, which have you done?

7/8

Why is it called tourist season, if we can't shoot at them?

7/9

You Know You're From Wisconson If…

In winter, your car trunk and your garage double as deep freezers.

7/10

A Swiss tourist traveling in Tennessee pulls up to a park bench to ask two good old boys for directions.

"Entschuldigun, koennen sie Deutch sprechen?" The two men just stare at him.

"Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Excusez moi, parlez vous Francais?" Nothing. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Silence. Finally, the tourist drives away.

"Y'know," one of the men says, "maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"What for?" his buddy says. "That guy knew four of 'em, and it didn't do him any good."

7/11

I don't have hobbies. I have interests. Hobbies cost money. Interests are free.

-- George Carlin

7/14

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and all the patients were shouting 13....13....13.

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting 14....14....14.

7/15

A man was washed up on a deserted island after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.

Over time the sheep began looking more and more attractive to the lonely man, but the protective sheepdog growled fiercely each time he attempted an overture.

Months later another shipwreck occurred and onto the beach washed the lone survivor, Hillary Clinton. The man's amorous feelings began to swell again, and days later he broached the subject.

"Given the situation," he said to her, haltingly, "I hope you'll understand what I'm about to suggest. Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

7/16

Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

7/17

Q: How do we know Democrats are better in bed?

A: Because you've never heard of getting a good piece of elephant.

7/18

If con is the opposite of pro, what is the opposite of progress?

7/21

If you can start the day without caffeine, face the world without lies and deceit, take criticism without resentment, and overlook slights from those who love you, then you are almost as good as your dog.

7/22

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, it is half empty. To the engineer, it is twice as big as it needs to be.

7/23

Q: What do you do, now that you're retired?

A: I don't have much of a chemical background, but one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer into urine.

7/24

Things You'll Never hear a Texan Say…

-- I'll take Shakespeare for $1000, Alex

-- Duct tape won't fix that.

-- You can't feed that to the dog.

-- We're vegetarians.

-- Checkmate.

7/25

Polite Ways to Describe an Idiot

-- A few clowns short of a circus.

-- As smart as bait.

-- The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

-- Her sewing machine's out of thread.

-- His slinky's kinked.

7/28

Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy

I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I really like people to do what I say.

7/29

George Carlin Lives!

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.

7/30

George Carlin Lives!

Next guy who says to me, “Badda-boom, badda-bing” is getting kicked right in the nuts.

7/31

George Carlin Lives!

I was one of those guys at Woodstock who took the brown acid. Lemme tell ya something. There was nothing wrong with it.

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8/1

George Carlin Lives!

There's a thing called shaken-baby syndrome that people get upset about. Personally I think you have to give them a good shake, or they don't bake uniformly.

8/4

Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy

A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.

8/5

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

8/6

George Carlin Lives!

The following statement is true.

The above statement is false.

8/7

George Carlin Lives!

One reason for maintaining only a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

8/8

George Carlin Lives!

If I had my choice of how to die, I would like to be sitting on the crosstown bus and suddenly burst into flames.

8/11

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said. "Disneyland burned down.

He cried and cried, but deep down I think he thought it was a pretty good joke.

I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting late.

8/12

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

If God dwells inside us the way some people say, I sure hope he likes enchiladas, because that's what he's getting!

8/13

Henny Lives!

A pair of good friends, Frenchmen both, were walking down the Champs-Elysees one day when they saw two women approaching.

"Sacrebleu, Pierre!" cried one. "Here comes my wife and my mistress, walking arm in arm!"

"Mon Dieu, Heri," cried the other. "I was about to say the same thing!"

8/14

Henny Lives!

Football game: A contest where a spectator takes four quarters to finish a fifth.

8/15

Henny Lives!

While down South, a Yankee made a date with a local lovely. She wore a tight, low-cut gown.

"Lovely dress," he said.

"Sho' 'nuff?" she replied.

"Yes, it does."

8/18

Siamese twins walk into a bar.

Joined at the hip, one of them orders a couple of beers. The bartender attempts small talk.

"Been up to no good?" he says.

"Just got back from Ireland," comes the reply.

"Ah, Ireland. Wonderful country. The history, the beer, the people, the scenery…"

"Screw that," one of the twins says. "We go there because it's the only chance my brother gets to drive."

8/19

CuriousOne in "Language Matters" in Politics writes:

Michael Mukasey, Attorney General of the United States:

"But not every wrong, or even every violation of the law, is a crime."

Depends on the meaning of "crime," I guess.

Or of "law."

Or of "violation."

Or of "wrong."

And they made fun of Clinton about "is."

Sheesh.

8/20

You're Not a Kid Anymore When...

You are interested in hearing about other people's operations.

You make an appointment to see the dentist.

Neighbors borrow your tools.

People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"

You answer a question with, "Because I said so!"

8/21

By Joe McQuade, from "Campaign 2008" in Politics.

August 20 brought us the political quote of the year. Not surprisingly, it came from Joe Biden.

Asked by the front-yard press corps about his trip to a landfill, Joe smiled and said, "It was a successful dump."

We want Joe! We want Joe!

8/22

A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

"Just want enough to buy me a bicycle," said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

"Mister, you've got yourself a deal."

The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response. He called the little boy over and said the mower wouldn't start.

The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."

The preacher smiled. "I can't curse. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to curse."

The little boy looked at him. "You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya."

8/26

Henny Lives!

Offspring of a prostitute: Brothel sprouts.

8/27

If you destroy a free market you create a black market.

-- Winston Churchill

8/28

George Will Registers Zero on the Self-Awareness Meter…

“DENVER – When Barack Obama feeds rhetorical fishes and loaves to the multitudes in the football stadium tonight, he should deliver a message of sufficient particularity that it seems particularly suited to Americans. One more inspirational oration, one general enough to please Berliners or even his fellow “citizens of the world,” will confirm Pascal’s point that “continuous eloquence wearies.” That is so because it is not really eloquent. If it is continuous, it is necessarily formulaic and abstract, vague enough for any time and place, hence truly apposite for none.”

8/29

Cat Training Guide

When you have to throw up, hop quickly onto an upholstered chair. If you are too ill to jump, find a Persian rug.

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9/2

You're Not a Kid Anymore When...

You send money to PBS.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You know what the word "equity" means.

You can't remember the last time you sprawled on the floor to watch television.

9/3

You know you're not a kid anymore when you back goes out more often than you do.

9/4

Cat Training Guide

When a human opens an outside door for you, go halfway in and pause for several minutes, particularly during inclement weather.

9/5

All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

-- Stephen Wright

9/8

You Know You're From Houston If…

Ninety percent humidity is a good hair day.

9/9

You're Not a Kid Anymore When...

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

9/10

Heartwarming Story

A young family moved into a house next to a lot where another new house was under construction. The young family's five-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother, who suggested she take her money to the bank and open a savings account. They went to the bank together, and the girl told the teller how she had earned the money.

"Oh my goodness," the teller said. "Will you be working on the house again next week?"

"I will," the girl said, "if those a**holes at Lowe's ever deliver the f**kin' sheetrock."

9/11

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

9/12

Cat Training Guide

When throwing up on an expensive carpet, move backward simultaneously so it is as long as a human foot.

9/15

You’re Not a Kid Anymore When...

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for the weather channel.

You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

9/17

Boolevard

A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head.

He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratches out his spelling error.

"Head on bouelevard" Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch.

"Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch.

He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head.

"Head on curb."

9/18

The following is an actual question given on University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

9/19

All you really need to know about Government and Bureaucracy:

** Pythagorean theorem: ............................. 24 words.

** Lord's prayer: ................................... 66 words.

** Archimedes' Principle: ........................... 67 words.

** 10 Commandments: ................................. 179 words.

** Gettysburg address: .............................. 286 words.

** Declaration of Independence: ................... 1,300 words.

US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words.

9/22

What Inspirational E-Mails Should Say…

If you don’t value friendship, forward this e-mail to a friend.

9/23

Henny Youngman Does Time…

Take my parole officer, please!

9/24

Confused Art Buff’s Lament

When it comes to art, I know what’s good. I just don’t know what I like.

9/25

Cat Training Guide

When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook.

9/26

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

-- Stephen Wright

9/29

Top Ten Reasons Hurricane Season Is Like Christmas

Number Ten:

Decorating the house (with plywood).

Number Nine:

Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season.

Number Eight:

Last minute shopping in crowded stores.

Number Seven:

Regular TV shows pre-empted for 'Specials'.

Number Six:

Family coming to stay with you.

Number Five:

Family and friends from out of state calling you.

Number Four:

Buying food you don't normally buy . . . and in large quantities.

Number Three:

Days off from work.

Number Two:

Candles.

And the Number One reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas:

At some point you may have a tree in your house.

9/30

You Know You’re from Yooston, Tegsis If…

When you see your neighbor dancing around the front yard, you don’t think he’s won the lottery; you know he just stepped in a fire ant bed.

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10/1

Cat Training

Always accompany house guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

10/2

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

-- Steven Wright

10/3

You Might Be From Texas If…

You've ever said "All Ya'll."

10/6

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

-- Steven Wright

10/7

Please consider a contribution to George W. Bush's new presidential library at Southern Methodist University, with a satellite facility in Baghdad. The library will include:

The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.

The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to remember anything.

The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up.

The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.

The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.

The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been able to find.

The National Debt room which is huge and has no ceiling.

The Tax Cut Room with entry only to the wealthy.

The Economy Room which is in the toilet.

The Iraq War Room. After you complete your first tour, they make you to go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth tour.

The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shotgun gallery.

The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty.

The Supreme Court Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.

The Education Room, where every child in public school is left behind.

The Diplomacy Room, where only "friends" are negotiated with.

The Communications Room, where words like "nuclear" are mispronounced.

Late Breaking News: The museum will have an electron microscope to help you locate the President's accomplishments.

Admission: Republicans - free; Democrats -- $1000, or 3 Euros.

10/8

Male/Female Translator

"I was listening to you. I just have other things on my mind."

Translation: "I wonder if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

10/9

Male/Female Translator

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."

Translation: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

10/10

Male/Female Translator

"I can't find it."

Translation: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I blew it off."

10/13

Male/Female Translator

"You look terrific."

Translation: "Please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

10/14

Southern Dictionary

Heidi: Exclamation; a greeting.

Hire Yew: Question; often used after Heidi.

10/15

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

-- Steven Wright

10/16

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

10/17

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that a hostage situation?

10/20

Female-to-Male Translator

Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

10/21

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

10/22

When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven.

-- Brian O'Rourke

10/23

Did you hear about the dyslexic rabbi?

He walks around saying, "Yo."

10/24

What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm?

A pimp.

10/27

George Carlin Lives!

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

10/28

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

10/29

I went for a walk last night, and my wife asked how long I’d be gone. I said the whole time.

10/30

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 a minute.

10/31

Whose cruel idea was it to have an “s” in the word, lisp?

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11/3

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as 4's?

11/4

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

11/5

Glibido: All talk and no action.

11/6

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an A-hole.

11/7

George Carlin Lives!

Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?

11/10

George Carlin Lives!

Imagine a world with no hypothetical situations.

11/11

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

-- Steve Wright

11/12

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

-- Steven Wright

11/13

My mother has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were speeding through Georgia. Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when the trooper walked up to the car.

"I have never been stopped like this before," she said.

The trooper opened his pad. "What do they usually do, ma'am, shoot the tires out?"

11/14

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than it has taken out of me.

-- Winston Churchill

11/17

Hicked on Phonics

Bard: Past tense of "borrow." Usage: "I bard my brother's pickup."

Jawjuh: State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanna.

Bammer: State west of Jawjuh. Usage: "A tornado whipped through Bammer and left $20 million in improvements."

11/18

Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.

11/19

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

11/20

The only substitute for good manners is quick reflexes.

11/21

Best Advice For Women

Don't imagine you can change a man, unless he's in diapers.

11/24

Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

-- Will Rogers

11/25

Never kick a cow chip on a warm day.

-- Will Rogers

11/26

Advice For Women

Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway.

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12/1

Men are all the same. They just have different faces, so you can tell them apart.

12/2

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he's too old for it.

12/3

A good sense of humor isn't about telling jokes as much as it's about laughing at them.

12/4

Love is blind. Marriage is a real eye-opener.

12/5

Rodney Lives!

I was so poor growing up. If I wasn't a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with.

12/8

You Know You're From Tegsis If…

The farm-to-market roads have seven lanes.

12/9

It's said that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing. That's why they're both recommended daily.

12/10

Rodney Lives!

I was such an ugly baby, my mother wouldn't breast-feed me. She told me she only liked me as a friend.

12/11

Why Growing Old is Not So Bad…

Your investment is health insurance is finally paying off.

12/12

Rodney Lives!

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I want to throw up.What's wrong with me"

"I dunno," he said, "but your eyesight is pefect."

12/15

You Know You're from Tegsis If…

You have to turn on your air conditioner January…two days after a low of 29 degrees.

12/16

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

-- Will Rogers

12/17

Police Sensitivity

Chicago police today reported finding a John Doe male body in the Chicago River. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive narcotics consumption. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a strap-on sexual toy, and a Bush/Cheney t-shirt. Also, a cucumber was protruding from his posterior.

Police removed the t-shirt to spare the victim's family any unnecessary embarrassment.

12/18

Holiday Eating Tip

Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

12/19

Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO what a ride!"

12/22

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

12/23

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

12/24

Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

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1/5/09

Irish Ode to Beer

Of all my favorite things to do

The utmost is to have a brew

My love grows for my foamy friend

With each thirst-quenching elbow bend

Beer's so frothy, smooth and cold

It's paradise, pure liquid gold

Yes, beer means many things to me…

That's all for now – I gotta pee!

1/6

It's Nice Getting Older

My supply of brain cells is now down to a manageable size.

1/7

One Advantage of Getting Older

Someone else will have the unpleasant task of burying your pets.

1/8

Advantages of Going to Work Naked

-- Keeps those creepy guys in marketing from looking down your blouse.

-- You can see if it's like the dream.

-- Diverts attention from the fact you came to work drunk.

-- Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

-- No one steals your chair.

1/9

Three-Legged Dog Walks Into a Bar…

He sidles up to the rail, orders whiskey and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

1/12

Uh-Oh!

China has more English speakers than the United States.

1/13

Irish Toast

May you live to be a hundred years – with one extra year to repent.

1/14

The Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain said he wished to transcend dental medication.

1/15

I sent ten entries to the local paper's pun contest, hoping at least one would win a prize. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

1/16

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

-- Will Rogers

1/20

Five Things You'll Never Hear a Texan Say

1. You can't feed that to the dog.

2. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" we haven't seen.

3. Those shorts oughta be a little longer, darlin'.

4. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

5. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

1/21

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

-- Will Rogers

1/22

Life in Retirement

My wife said, "Whatcha doing today?"

I said, "Nothing."

She said, "You did that yesterday."

I said, "I didn't finish."

1/23

Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

-- Will Rogers

1/26

A Survey of Driving Styles:

Chicago: One hand on wheel, one hand on horn.

New Jersey: One hand on wheel, one finger out window.

New York: One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic.

Boston: One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator.

Toronto: Both hands clenched on steering wheel, driver staring directly forward, cutting in front of you and slowing down to 40 in a 60 zone then looking in rearview mirror in wonder as to why

the car behind is flashing high beams.

Los Angeles: One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator with gun in lap.

Ohio, but driving in California: Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror.

Italy: Both hands in air and gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat.

Seattle: One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game.

Texas: One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on the brake, throwing a McDonald's bag out the window.

West Virginia: Four-wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna.

Florida: Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on.

1/27

Signs of Fine Age

1. You keep repeating yourself.

2. You keep repeating yourself.

1/28

Five-year-old boy walks into a pharmacy and brings a box of tampons to the cashier.

“Do you know what these are used for?” the cashier asks.

“Not exactly, but I saw on TV that if you use them, you can swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, I can’t do none of those.”

1/29

Houston Driving Rule

You don’t have to wait for an exit to get off a freeway. Just follow the ruts in the grass to the frontage road like everyone else. This is how Houstonians tell the DOT where exits need to be built.

1/30

Houston Driving Fact

Just because you’re in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn’t mean a Loop 610 driver won’t flash his high beams behind you because thinks he can go faster in your spot.

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2/2

Houston Driving Rule

Highway construction signs are carefully positioned to tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the last chance to exit, but just before the traffic begins to back up.

2/3

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

-- Will Rogers

2/4

You Know You're Getting Old When…

You look forward to a dull evening.

2/5

I used to be a schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

2/6

Sometimes you get.....and sometimes you get got.

-- Will Rogers

2/9

You're sitting on the bus and suddenly have a gas attack. Fortunately the music is very loud, so you time your releases to coincide with its crescendos.

As you walk to the front of the bus to leave, the looks on everyone's faces makes you realize...

...you've been listening to your iPod.

2/10

You Know You're Getting Old When…

…You look forward to a dull evening.

2/11

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every morning.

-- Will Rogers

2/12

Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.

-- Joan Crawford

2/13

Houston Driving Rule

Highway construction signs are carefully positioned to tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the last chance to exit, but just before the traffic begins to back up.

2/16

John Roberts has a new job title. He's now the "Justice Chief of the Court Supreme."

2/17

Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

-- Woody Allen

2/18

Better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.

-- David Chambless

2/19

A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished.

-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

2/20

To keep your marriage brimming

With love in the wedding cup,

Whenever you're wrong, admit it

Whenever you're right, shut up.

-- Ogden Nash

2/23

Connubial Safety Tip

No husband has ever been shot while washing dishes.

2/24

Henny Lives!

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

2/25

Where there is marriage without love, there will be love without marriage.

2/26

You know you're getting old when you sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

2/27

I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

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3/2

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.

-- Woody Allen

3/3

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

-- David Bissonette

3/4

Denny's New Octuplet Slam Breakfast:

You get eight eggs, no sausage, and everyone else in the restaurant has to pay the bill.

3/5

I'm multi-talented. I can talk and annoy you at the same time.

3/6

You Know You're Getting Older When…

-- Your potted plants stay alive.

-- You hear your favorite song on the elevator.

-- You carry an umbrella.

-- Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

-- You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

3/9

T-shirt Message:

Objects under this shirt are larger than they appear.

3/10

No matter how lovesick a woman is, she shouldn't take the first pill that comes along.

-- Joyce Brothers

3/11

You know you're getting older when dinner and the movie is entire date instead of the beginning of one.

3/12

You know you're getting older when a four-dollar bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

3/13

Not all chemicals are bad. Without hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no water, a vital ingredient in beer.

3/16

If you are too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

3/17

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3/18

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

3/19

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you have never tried before.

3/20

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

3/23

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

3/24

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

3/25

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

3/26

A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

3/27

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

3/30

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

3/31

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

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4/1

Junk is something you have kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

4/2

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

4/3

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

4/6

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

4/7

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

4/8

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

4/10

It is not the jeans that make your butt look fat.

4/13

I drink to make other people interesting.

-- George Jean Nathan

4/14

Texbonics

Munts – A calendar division of 28 to 31 days.

Thank – To cognitively process.

Ranch – Useful hand tool.

Far – A conflagration.

Bare – A sudsy alcoholic beverage.

4/15

A fool and his money are soon partying.

-- Stephen Wright

4/16

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

-- George Carlin

4/17

Alright, brain, I don't like you, and you don't like me. So let's just do this, and I'll get back to killing you with beer.

-- Homer Simpson

4/20

The stupid neither forgive nor forget. The naive forgive and forget. The wise forgive but do not forget.

-- Thomas Szasz

4/21

Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and has begun growing in the middle.

4/22

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.

-- Erica Jong

4/23

A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.

4/24

A conservative is a politician who wants to keep what the liberals fought for a generation ago.

4/27

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

4/28

Acquaintance: A person we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.

4/29

A true crisis is when you can’t say, “Let’s forget the whole thing.”

4/30

A cynic is someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

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5/1

The Nobel Peace Prize Goes To…

The husband who, upon forgetting his wife's birthday, said, "How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?"

5/4

A dog in his kennel barks at his fleas. A dog hunting does not notice them.

5/5

Dog Think

These people I live with feed me, love me, give me a warm place to sleep. They must be Gods!

Cat Think

These people I live with feed me, love me, give me a warm place to sleep. I must be God!

5/6

A dog who attends a flea circus is likely to steal the whole show.

5/7

Adolescence and snow are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough.

5/8

A dream is just a dream. A goal is a dream with a plan and a deadline.

-- Harvey Mackay

5/11

A drop of ink can make millions think…

5/12

A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.

5/13

A Democrat takes money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from the rich.

5/14

A celebrity is someone who works all his life to be famous and then wears sunglasses so as not to be recognized.

5/18

City: a large community where people are lonesome together.

5/19

A rural clergyman, having enjoyed a hearty chicken dinner at the home of a parishioner, gazed out the window and said, “That rooster seems a proud and happy bird.”

“He should be,” the host replied. “His oldest son just entered the ministry”

5/20

A closed mind is a good thing to lose

5/21

Committee: A group of people who individually can do nothing, but who decide collectively that nothing can be done.

5/22

A computer beat me at chess. But it was no match for me at kick-boxing.

5/26

A cigarette is a pinch of tobacco, wrapped in paper, with fire at one end and a fool at the other.

5/27

667: Neighbor of The Beast.

5/28

Most men kiss their wives goodbye when they leave the house. The rest kiss their houses goodbye when they leave the wife.

5/29

A babysitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the parents are out acting like teenagers.

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6/1

You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.

6/2

A good relationship doesn't depend on how well we understand someone but on how well we understand the misunderstandings.

6/3

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it's two-tired.

6/4

Abraham Lincoln was discussing how the North must treat the South after the Civil War. Someone suggested it was important to destroy our enemies. Do I not destroy them, Abe replied, when I make them my friends?

6/5

A camel is a horse designed by committee.

6/8

Bad planning on your part does not automatically constitute an emergency on my part.

6/9

Beautiful young people are works of nature. Beautiful old people are works of art.

6/10

Be bold in what you stand for. Be careful in what you fall for.

6/11

Before I got married, I had six theories about how to raise children. Now I have six children and no theories.

-- John Wilmot

6/12

Be good, or at least be good at it.

6/15

Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament. At first I said, "Naaahhh! I already play three times a week."

Then they told me the tournament was for blind and handicapped kids.

"Hell," I thought, "I could win this thing…"

6/16

Celibacy is not an inherited proclivity.

6/17

Changing one thing for the better is as good as proving thousands of things are wrong.

6/18

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don't wait to catch it from others.

6/19

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

6/22

Birds: One of the few animals you eat before they are born and after they're dead.

6/23

One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, and he slinks away into the trees

Meanwhile, a young monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So he waves the cat over, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. But the German Shepherd has overheard it all.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now the old German Shepherd sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back. He sits with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

"Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story: Don't mess with old dogs. Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery., because BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

6/24

Childhood: That wonderful time of life when all you have to do to lose weight is take a bath.

6/25

Children are natural mimics. They act like their parents, no matter how much we try to teach them good manners.

6/26

Note to Dubya…

Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are – you aren't.

-- Margaret Thatcher

6/29

Believe in miracles, but don't count on them.

6/30

Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents. Accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.

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7/1

Be grateful for problems at the office. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

7/2

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors – and miss.

7/3

Cole's Law: Cabbage should be thinly sliced.

7/7

Be yourself. Who else is better qualified?

Frank J. Giblin II

7/8

During his annual physical, the patient with 14 children passed with flying colors. The doctor said, "Everything looks fine. Is there anything you want to discuss?"

"Well, I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"

"Yeah, and we even had a vote. We're in favor of it, 15-1."

7/9

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

7/10

Never argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

7/13

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?"

The girl said, "No!"

Then the guy rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end.

7/14

Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

7/15

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothes. If I had any loose-fitting clothes, I wouldn't have signed up for an exercise class.

7/16

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

-- PJ O'Rourke

7/17

A Catholic man enters the confessional box. He notices on one side a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of fine Cuban cigars. The priest enters.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since my last confession. But I must say the confessional box is much more inviting these days."

"Get out," the priest replies. "You're on my side."

7/20

Committee: An assembly that takes minutes and wastes hours.

7/21

Financial Dictionary

Liquidity: This is when you look at your portfolio and wet your pants.

7/22

I know God will not give me more than I can handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much

-- Mother Teresa

7/23

Common sense is genius dressed up in work clothes.

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

7/24

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

7/27

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

7/28

Constant use will wear out anything – especially friends.

7/29

Hinduism: Holy Cow! Is it your birthday?

Taoism: It’s everybody’s birthday.

Buddhism: If your birthday party was held in the forest and nobody came, would it make a sound?

Existentialism: Your birthday means nothing.

Sarcasm: You don’t look half bad for someone twice your age.

7/30

Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.

-- Michael McGriff

7/31

By trying, we can easily endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.

-- Mark Twain

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8/3

A clear conscience is usually a sign of bad memory.

-- Steven Wright

8/4

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

-- Herbert Hoover

8/5

Brain cells come, and brain cells go. But fat cells live forever.

8/6

Contentment is found not in having what you want, but in wanting what you have.

8/7

Copying from one is plagiarism. Copying from two is research.

8/10

Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak. Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.

-- Winston Churchill

8/11

Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it.

-- Harold S. Hulbert

8/12

Clothes do make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

-- Mark Twain

8/13

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves. They will never cease to be amused.

8/14

Borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect it back.

8/17

Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.

-- Stephen Wright

8/18

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

8/19

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound.

Apparently you have to go there.

8/20

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour. By the time I leave, I look just fine.

8/21

You know you're getting old when you tell a cashier, "Wait, I might have exact change."

8/24

LIfe might not be the party we hope for, but while we're here we should dance.

8/25

Birthday Reminder...

This week we celebrate a special birthday: Monica Lewinsky turns 44.

Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees and putting everything in her mouth. They grow up so fast.

8/26

Maxine Says...

Do you know what happened 159 years ago this fall...back in 1850?

California became a state. The people had no electricity. The state had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in the streets. So basically nothing has changed except the women had real boobs and the men didn't hold hands.

8/27

Blowing out another's candle will not make your shine brighter.

8/28

Criticism should always leave people with the feeling they have been helped.

8/31

Be positive isn't my blood type, but it's in my blood.

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9/1

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no life guard.

9/2

A married couple was in a terrible car accident, and the woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so thin. The husband then donated some of his own skin, but the only place suitable was from his buttocks.

After the surgery, everyone was astounded by the woman's new beauty. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"Oh don't worry," he replied. "I get repaid every time your mother comes over and kisses you on the cheek."

9/3

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked him to forgive me.

9/4

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor for my annual checkup. She told me I should quit masturbating. I asked why.

"Because," she said, "I am trying to examine you."

9/8

You Know It's Summer in Texas When…

-- Birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

-- Trees are whistling for the dogs.

-- Farmers feed their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

-- Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

9/9

Blessed is he who, having nothing to say, refrains from giving wordy evidence of that fact.

9/10

Men marry women hoping they won't change.

Women marry men hoping they will change.

Both are usually disappointed.

9/11

Proof That Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:

A woman doesn't come home one night. The next morning she tells her husband she slept over at a friend's house. The man calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man doesn't come home one night. The next morning he tells his wife he slept over at a friend's house. The woman calls her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirm he had slept at his place, and two say he is still there.

9/14

When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of the aunts would come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, "You're next!"

They stopped that after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

9/15

Why Men Should Write Advice Columns…

Dear John:

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car started stalling and then broke down about a mile down the road and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors's daughter.

I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair for the past six months.

He won't go to counseling and I'm a mess and need advice urgently. Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold, then check all grounding wires.

If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps...

John

9/16

Life ashore isn't distasteful to me. But life at sea is better.

-- Sir Francis Drake

9/17

Take my wives, please.

-- Henny the Eighth

9/18

Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.

9/21

An elderly lady answered a knock on the door one morning and found a well dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Go away!" she said. "I'm broke and I don't need a vacuum cleaner. haven't got any money!"

In a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." With that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The lady turned for the kitchen. "Well, let me get you a fork, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

9/22

A Higher Power

A Sunday school teacher addressed her class. ""We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in biblical times. But there is a higher power. Can anyone tell me what it is?

One child blurted, "Aces!"

9/23

Deciding not to choose is making a choice.

9/24

Drugs might lead to nowhere, but at least they take the scenic route.

-- Steven Wright

9/25

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years. They concluded their ancestors had a telephone network more than a centuy ago.

In the weeks that followed a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet and made a similar finding. His conclusion: California had an advanced communications network 100 years before New York.

One week later Bubba Rathbone, a self-taught Texas archaeologist, excavated to a depth of 30 feet in his pasture near Cut-n-Shoot, finding nothing. His conclusion: 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless.

9/28

New Jersey State Slogan

Hey, we hate you, too!

9/29

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

-- Stephen Wright

9/30

If cats and dogs didn’t have fur, would we still pet them?

-- George Carlin

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10/1

Texas-English Dictionary

ORT: Paintings, sculptures and such.

BARE: Alcoholic beverage made from barley and hops.

MUNTS: A calendar division of approximately 30 days.

ALL: Petroleum-based lubricant.

HALF DRUNK: Blood alcohol level four or more times higher than the legal limit.

10/2

Children seldom misquote you. Instead, they repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

10/5

Cleaning your house while your children are growing

Is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing

10/6

Church is the only place I know where I can arrive late and still get the best seats in the house.

10/7

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bulls--- before.

10/8

Despite the high cost of living, it remains very popular.

10/9

That guy who lost his entire left side in a saw mill accident? He's all right now.

10/12

Jellyfish gas: What happens when they eat too many jellybeans.

10/13

The capacity for getting into trouble and the ability to get out of it are seldom combined in the same person.

10/14

The ability to speak several languages is valuable, but sometimes the ability to keep your mouth shut in one of them is priceless.

10/15

Never judge the ability of a doctor by the amount of praise the undertakers give him.

10/16

The chief ability of a chief executive should be the ability to recognize ability.

10/19

The Corleone Doctrine

There is a vast difference between a brother who is notable and the brother who is not able.

10/20

I am my parents' child. I inherited my mother's ability to spend money and my father's inability to make it.

10/21

Ability is a good thing. Stability is better.

10/22

Failing to be there when her man wants her is a woman's greatest sin, except to be there when he doesn't.

-- Helen Rowland

10/23

A day away from some people is like a month in the country.

-- Howard Dietz

10/26

You appreciate some people most when they deprive you of their company.

10/27

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but presents bring better results.

10/28

Once during Prohibition, I was forced to live forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

-- W.C. Fields

10/29

Teetotalers are always conspicuous by their abstinence.

10/30

Man is the only animal that speaks, except when he talks like an ass.

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11/2

The accent is on youth today, but the stress is on parents.

11/3

Cogito, Ergo…

Problem: Most accidents occur at home and in traffic.

Solution: Sell your house and your car.

11/4

The iBoob

Apple announced today it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iBoob will cost $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. Apple touts the product as a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

11/5

Accuracy is to a newspaper what virtue is to a lady, but a newspaper can always print a retraction.

-- Adlai Stevenson

11/6

It's better to be a nobody who accomplishes something than a somebody who accomplishes nothing.

11/9

Two things are required to accomplish something: a definite idea, and not quite enough time.

11/12

In filling out a tax return, let an accountant, instead of your conscience, be your guide.

-- Will Rogers

11/16

A man can do more than he thinks he can, but he usually does less than he thinks he does.

11/17

The more accomplishments you have, the less you are apt to accomplish.

11/18

A recent survey discovered the three reasons men get out of bed in the middle of the night:

83 % -- To use the bathroom

5 % -- To get a drink of water

12 % -- To go home

11/19

The Perfect Breakfast, As a Man Sees It

You’re sitting at the kitchen table, and your son is on the box of Wheaties, your mistress is on the cover of Playboy, and your wife is on the back of the milk carton.

11/20

The fastest way to a man’s heart is through his chest with a very sharp knife.

11/23

How I Learned to Mind My Own Business

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, “13...13...13.”

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on. Someone poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting, “14....14....14.”

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12/7

Elin Nordegren’s Prayer

Dear Lord,

I pray for wisdom to understand my man,

Love to forgive him,

And patience with his failings,

Because if I pray for strength,

I'll beat him to death.

Amen

12/9

A recent study found out which days men prefer to have sex. Surprisingly, It was found they prefer days beginning with the letter "T." Examples:

Tuesday

Thursday

Today

Tomorrow

The Day After That

Thanksgiving

Thaturday

Thunday

12/11

If you can’t explain it simply, you don’t understand it well enough.

-- Albert Einstein

12/14

Whaddaya mean, “last call?” I just got here!

12/18

Liberals are constantly accusing Christians of being intolerant and self-righteous, but the most earnest Christian has never approached the preachy intolerance of a liberal who has just discovered a lit cigarette in a nonsmoking section.

-- Ann Coulter

12/21

Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man try to wrap a Christmas present.

-- Christina Dodd

12/22

The more a person talks about what he is going to do, the less he talks about what he has done.

12/23

If you have talent and work long and hard, anything in the world can be yours if you have enough money.

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